Live 15 Minutes at a Time

It's 2 am and I am not sleepy. I bought 1/4 portion of rice, fried chicken and fried brinjal. I find the chicken was very hard to swallow, heck, even the rice was hard to swallow... 

I probably ate 2 spoonfuls of rice, most of the chicken and 2 slices of fried brinjal and threw away the rest.

I will attend a course today. My friend is the person in charge. I guess I'll show her my support. I hope my body will show me some support. 

Normal chores like dressing up for work tires me. I don't know if it's the Cancer or the drugs. 

Yesterday, i took a Grab to the office. Walked in, climbed a short flight of stairs, I got so tired, I had to sit and rest for 15 minutes at the foyer. 

Instead of worrying about what will happen in a months time. I will focus on the 15 minutes. 5 minutes that has just passed, 5 minutes that I am living in and 5 minutes of the future. 

What I want

I've stopped craving for stuff. 

I think whatever food I am craving for doesn't taste the same as I remembered them to be. Order my favourite pizza, all I can taste was the oregano flakes. Order some other stuff too.. I guess I am beyond that. 

It is so disappointing. It's day if CBD oil and I've stopped crying about random stuffs.

The Morphine is causing me not to go to toilet days. And there is the sickly sweet stool softener. It is so unreliable. I drank it according to the direction... Had no bowel movement or a hint of it for 7 days then the uncontrollable diarrhea started. Last night u stayed up all night running to the toilet and cleaning up the floor. I've had too many accidents.

Enough about suffering. Let's talk about hope. I feel like I need someone to touch me. Nothing sexual. Just a human touch. On my feet, my hands and my fingers and my toes. They're hurting. A human touch will be nice.

I'd die happy if I can have that. 

Fingers and Toes...

Lately I have been having problem about how the tips of my fingers and toes are painfully tingly. 

Imagine waking up from a nightmare where you've lost all of your fingers and toes while all of your fingers and toes are still painfully tingly. 

Life is a cruel prankster. 

I'm Gonna Miss My Hair.

Disclaimer: these are my thoughts. It may or may not be as it happens, more likely the versions that I remember. I might come back and change parts of it. So here goes... 

***

20th April. Exactly 2 weeks after my first chemo... I've lost most of my hair. 

These past few days my hair was starting to fall down in patches and my scalp hurts like my head was being hit repeatedly. Every time I touch me hair... At least 30 strands of hair will stick to my fingers.

I took the decision to cut off my hair

and trim my short wig... 

I am glad that I did... 

Lifestyle Changes.

Disclaimer: these are my thoughts. It may or may not be as it happens, more likely the versions that I remember. I might come back and change parts of it. So here goes... 

***

This cancer changed me in many ways.

I can't have a good night's sleep. The pain gets worse at night. 

I had to use panties-liner because I bleed, even more so when I am stressed or annoyed. 

I can pass gas, pee and poop like I used to. Things need more persuasion. But I can't be too far away from a sitting toilet. 

I am thankful for the understanding I received from people around me. Most of them don't know about my disease, but I guess they can see that I am in pain. It's obvious. 

It's like having a baby.

I have made peace with myself.

Disclaimer: these are my thoughts. It may or may not be as it happens, more likely the versions that I remember. I might come back and change parts of it. So here goes... 

***

I have made peace with myself.

It was hard to be asked to make a life changing decision that may or may not produce the best result.

The Surgery Doctor wanted to "remove my my anus, sew it shut, remove part of my bowel and open up a hole on my abdomen and install a stoma bag". That sounded alot. And I forgot to mention that this is permenant and I will have to take care of it and there will always be discomfort and a chance for infection.

After a long discussion with myself. I think I'll take my chances. I said no. 

The Greatest Betrayal Ever.

Disclaimer: these are my thoughts. It may or may not be as it happens, more likely the versions that I remember. I might come back and change parts of it. So here goes... 

***

When you are eager to live life to its fullest, your body decides to pop some immortal cells in the most unfortunate of unfortunate body part that you have.

Anal Squamous Cell Carcinoma.

The pain is like being anally violated by someone that you hate, when you're not in the mod and unwilling, without lube. The pain is constant. 

Imagine going about your day with a big fat dick in your butt. Forgive me, but I am sure, you'll be as cranky as I am. 

What hurts more that this cancer? Well the I think the chemo is bearable, the long chemo drip, the hospital stay and the hospital food sucks. The radiotherapy was OK for a while. The only redeeming factor was the Chemotherapy staffs. They're a cheerful bunch. I hated being told to drink 2 litres of water and told to hold it in until the sessions done though. 

The recovery hurts more than cancer. It burned me. I was raw around my tummy, my groin, my genitals, my butt. I can't imagine how "cooked" my insides were. It caused my really bad diarrhea. The first night I came back, I went to the toilet more than 50 times. Imagine washing your burnt bum. 

Well, that's life.