What did I do today? Well, I woke up early, sat infront of the window looking out as it was raining. Then, I refelcted on my life, how it was back then and how I imagined it would be in the future. Did I say it was raining earlier today? I guess so, so after that brief reflection, I crawled back to bed but cannot sleep as this silent treatment towards someone is killing me. Literally. It gave me the "baddest" case of indigestion, throwing up liquid from both end ('cuse me... mouth and anus, mind you...)
After my obligatory breakfast of 2Cs (coffee and ciggies) I did 2 rounds of laundry and laid in bed. Too tired to do other stuffs, too frustrated to want to do anything anyway.
This thing on my mind, it's like a spiderweb, it's there, but it's not there but when you walk through it, it sticks everywhere. That's how I felt today. I cant remember the last time I cried but I remembered crying (yes, I know it's so unmanly to do it, but how else can you explain watery eyes? Ha?) before I fell asleep last night.
I remembered holding up my pillow and asking it- How much sadness do I have to take??? But that's before I realised how stupid it is and crawled out of bed and took 2 sleeping pills. I call it the celebrity syndrom.
Anyway, I think the heart is like a putty or plasticine wrapped in plastic. Make that 2 globs of plasticine, of different colors wrapped in a plastic bag. You squeeze both together until they're like one but they cant be one... Remember the plastic? They're whole, but not so. And then, you pry them apart... They'll be hollow somewhere.
It's like you think you're whole and complete and then you find someone that you fancy, you feel "wholer" and "completer" (if there's such term? Got ah?). And then suddenly that person was no longer there and you feel there's a hole inside you. Like cheese. yes, air buble holes. That was how I felt today. Hollow.
So I guess I was tired of it and I had to settle things and I did and I am oh so very extremely glad that I did.
And oh, today was the opening day for Starbucks at the Airport. Bought a lovely bouquet of white gerberras and those papery blue flowers and wild orchids. My favorite flowers in a cute little shallow glass container. I think they're sweet. Yes, blue is the favourite color of that certain somebody. Or so he said.
I'm still so not over by the loss of my hair. So if I keep my hair again... It'll be like in 2010 to get it to the length as it was. But what to do?
At least today I made truce with some one. Most importantly, I made truce with myself. Now for the next part... Maybe next month I'll be ready for it.
July 15, 2007
Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.
An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.
Note to self: Remember how you felt so bad today that it makes you sick? How many times you throw up today until you gave up and dragged that old plastic chair and sat infront of the toilet bowl?
Remember the tone of that certain somebody when they think you're about to disappointed them big time and the sparkle in their eyes when you unexpectedly changed your mind?
Remember how good it feels to make other people feel good?
And remember, if what you need or who you need, you can't have, maybe it's time for you to become that somebody yourself. People are like books. You can have them, read them, hate them, enjoy them but you'll never own them, you'll own the book but the words and the tales and the adventures they contain will never be yours.
Unless of course you wrote the book.
With so much things that had happened to me today, I wonder, maybe time doesn't exists equally for all of us. And time doesn't travel in a single straight line curved by us human in what we call clocks. It travels all around us... Side to side, going both up and down, all around us and even through us.
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