I know everyone's I know (including my friends, my co-workers, a select few...) are reading this... But I have to get this out of my mind somehow...
Here goes...
When I'm with you... Everything I feel, they're so real.
Vivid.
Yeap, that's the word.
When we're happy, I'm so happy. When we're not, I'm not happy.
It's always about you.
Just you.
Then what about me?
I am not happy now. Does that mean anything to you?
I am a man who seeks structure in my live. Failing to find it, should I fall apart?
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Bored...
| You Have Your Sarcastic Moments |
 While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious. |
| You Will Not Be a Cool Parent |
 You may not realize it, but your fighting style is definitely hurting your relationships. Lay off the name calling and personal insults. It's not getting you anywhere. Instead, focus on compromise, kindness, and resolving conflict. You'll be surprised how far a little fair fighting will take you! |
| You Are Pretty Happy Being Single |
 You have a full, fun life. And you definitely don't need love to be content. Of course, being single can get you down a little. Especially when you've been single for a while. But you know how to be patient and wait for the right person. You're life is too good to settle for anything! |
You Are From Pluto |
 You are a dark, mysterious soul, full of magic and the secrets of the universe. You can get the scoop on anything, but you keep your own secrets locked in your heart. You love change and you use it to your advantage, whether by choice or chance. You don't like to compromise, to the point of being self-destructive with your stubborness. Live life with love, and your deep powers will open the world to you. |
Note to self: Riiiiiigggggghhhhttttt... Too late... Damage's done... Not the same anymore. And by the way... Pluto's not a planet anymore...
Here's what stupid song I find myself singing today... I better get help soon...
Drowned World/Substitute For Love by Madonna
(You see)
I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly a game
Somethings cannot be bought
I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools so gladly
And now I find
I've changed my mind
(You see)
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone
I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Mmmmm, ooohhh, mmmmm
Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one-night stand, no far-off land
No fire that I can spark
Mmmmm, mmmmm
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Mmmmm, mmmmm
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
(You see)
Now I find I've changed my mind
This is my religion
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Swinging from 2 Extremes
I've got a suitcase in my hand
Filled with stuff most precious to me
Sidewalk brings my feet
Wherever they're headed.
There is no directions given
Just some trust in human mind to rely on
And to hold on to.
Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days.
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast
My mind in complete haze.
I pass by
Don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me
I'm fooled by something inside my head.
If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead
Just keep on wasting time.
Scary thoughts and frightening sounds
In my mind still I try avoid it
Heading through this hope not one-way alley
I can't really sense my surroundings
Seems to be all dark around.
Nothing there, to lighten up my way.
Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days.
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast.
My mind is complete haze.
I pass by
Don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me
I'm fooled by something inside my head
If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead
Have a Cigar...
My horoscope for August 20, 2007
Work on your relationship with yourself -- self-nurturing is a very fun thing to do!
You can usually trust your intuition, but today you need to use cold, hard logic -- especially on the job. Before you sign anything, make sure you know that every last detail has been verified.
Note to self: Too much speculations and gossips as for why am I being different at the office nowdays...
My friends' horoscope for August 20, 2007
Things will go more smoothly today if you can find someone to partner up with.
Listen to your emotions and let them dictate the day's activities (within reason, of course). You may have been keeping yourself from telling a friend what they really need to hear, or asking out that one crush.
Note to self: This week's gonna be a very long, lonely, miserable week. Later gotta go do some shopping... Gotta restock my fridge. Am so not going out, unless ran out of ciggies, gas for the car and to go to work, or the house is burning down. PERIOD( . )
My horoscope for August 21, 2007
Changing this flow of energy would be hard, so why bother? Ride it like a wave.
Your community spirit is quite active right now, and you may want to explore new options for volunteering or getting involved in some other way. You may inspire your friends and family to join you.
Note to self: Exploring for new options. Yes, HELL YEAH!!! Friends and family to join? I DONT THINK SO!!!
My friends' horoscope for August 21, 2007
You can't force a relationship to a deeper level alone. It must be a team effort.
You're at your best working as part of a team right now, and ought to be able to energize your coworkers even if you aren't the *titular leader. Show them how it's done, and keep up the cheerleading!
Note to self:
Tit what? TITular? WTF? Team effort? I was thinking more of a PAIRED EFFORT... Team effort meh? Dunwan lo... Yea... The more the merrier they say...
Siao... I dont do gang bang...
So we fought again. Like it's something new. It's like wake up.. Got nothing to do. Fight. Having lunch together just before I go to work. No black pepper, fight. Can't decide if we should go to a waterfall instead of a beach, fight. Ice blended or hot, fight. McDs or Steamboat, fight. Go fill up the gas for the car first or should we go jalan2 first? Can't decide? Nevermind, we can fight this out. Bored before going to bed, call me up and fight. Ordering fish for 1 person to makan, kerapu or jenahak or siakap? Are you sure you can identify the damn fish? FIGHT! Clear enuff?
Anyway, that's the latest update. sounds like fun right?
When my astrologer said this relationship is going to be "volatile", I was expecting fireworks in the sky. Turns out it's a bomb in a box, infront my my face. Maybe this time out thingy can sort things out. Great. No fun fighting anymore.
Work on your relationship with yourself -- self-nurturing is a very fun thing to do!
You can usually trust your intuition, but today you need to use cold, hard logic -- especially on the job. Before you sign anything, make sure you know that every last detail has been verified.
Note to self: Too much speculations and gossips as for why am I being different at the office nowdays...
My friends' horoscope for August 20, 2007
Things will go more smoothly today if you can find someone to partner up with.
Listen to your emotions and let them dictate the day's activities (within reason, of course). You may have been keeping yourself from telling a friend what they really need to hear, or asking out that one crush.
Note to self: This week's gonna be a very long, lonely, miserable week. Later gotta go do some shopping... Gotta restock my fridge. Am so not going out, unless ran out of ciggies, gas for the car and to go to work, or the house is burning down. PERIOD( . )
My horoscope for August 21, 2007
Changing this flow of energy would be hard, so why bother? Ride it like a wave.
Your community spirit is quite active right now, and you may want to explore new options for volunteering or getting involved in some other way. You may inspire your friends and family to join you.
Note to self: Exploring for new options. Yes, HELL YEAH!!! Friends and family to join? I DONT THINK SO!!!
My friends' horoscope for August 21, 2007
You can't force a relationship to a deeper level alone. It must be a team effort.
You're at your best working as part of a team right now, and ought to be able to energize your coworkers even if you aren't the *titular leader. Show them how it's done, and keep up the cheerleading!
Note to self:
Tit what? TITular? WTF? Team effort? I was thinking more of a PAIRED EFFORT... Team effort meh? Dunwan lo... Yea... The more the merrier they say...
Siao... I dont do gang bang...
So we fought again. Like it's something new. It's like wake up.. Got nothing to do. Fight. Having lunch together just before I go to work. No black pepper, fight. Can't decide if we should go to a waterfall instead of a beach, fight. Ice blended or hot, fight. McDs or Steamboat, fight. Go fill up the gas for the car first or should we go jalan2 first? Can't decide? Nevermind, we can fight this out. Bored before going to bed, call me up and fight. Ordering fish for 1 person to makan, kerapu or jenahak or siakap? Are you sure you can identify the damn fish? FIGHT! Clear enuff?
Anyway, that's the latest update. sounds like fun right?
When my astrologer said this relationship is going to be "volatile", I was expecting fireworks in the sky. Turns out it's a bomb in a box, infront my my face. Maybe this time out thingy can sort things out. Great. No fun fighting anymore.
So I've been posting bad bad things lately... I dont want to be identified as a miserable people person at the moment.
Anyway, been doing some garden with tweezers and nostril hair clipper... My drosera spatulata is "a very well-groomed" CP. Guess what I found nestled among the wet sticky tentacly leaves??? Drosera spatulata babies!
I guess the plant must be lonely. Very lonely. Instead of reproducing "the normal way" it sprouts plantlets right there in the middle of its' hand-shaped leaves...
Remember to wash those hands after doing anything ahem... "private". Waking up one morning only to find Lisham Jr. sprouting up from my right palm would be a nightmare.
Here's a pix... Of my d. spatulata.
No... I'm not going to publish a pix of Lisham Jr. right here... I shy, u know???
The green stringy plant is d. indica- the insect constrictor.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Tears dries... Wound heals...
This feels so bad. I dont want this anymore.
I wished for things to stop. Almost had my wish.
I drove 100++km/h last night to get home to sleep. On 2 flat front tyres. They're smashed. The car should've swerved off the cliff last night.
I give up.
Its dark in here
Visions are flashing into my head
As I reminisce
My reoccuring dreams
and you said
Im falling, falling for you babe,
And my feelings are gettin stronger,
So why dont you stay with me for a
For a little longer
Come here boy,
Oh come here boy,
Come here boy
Oh come here boy
I know that my face
Is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes
I can tell by your body heat
Why are you taking so long
You need to come and find me, honey
To set your mind at rest
And let your dreams run free.
You know, Im no stranger in your dreams
Im craving Im howling Im begging and pleading
Be mine tonight
Oh and Im waiting Im dying, Im wanting and needing
To show you a night
Where Ill be touching and holding caressing and giving you
Your every fantasy
Ill get you dreaming and lusting burning and praying
For more of this ecstasy.
Note to self:
I'll stop saying things now...
Though I can go on and on about this particular someone.
Keeping a person close to your heart is a risky thing to do... One well placed jab and you're dead.
But death is kinder than this. At least when you're dead, you dont feel anything else.
So tears dries... Wounds, they will heal over time... Not without a trace... Not without a scar...
I wished for things to stop. Almost had my wish.
I drove 100++km/h last night to get home to sleep. On 2 flat front tyres. They're smashed. The car should've swerved off the cliff last night.
I give up.
Its dark in here
Visions are flashing into my head
As I reminisce
My reoccuring dreams
and you said
Im falling, falling for you babe,
And my feelings are gettin stronger,
So why dont you stay with me for a
For a little longer
Come here boy,
Oh come here boy,
Come here boy
Oh come here boy
I know that my face
Is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes
I can tell by your body heat
Why are you taking so long
You need to come and find me, honey
To set your mind at rest
And let your dreams run free.
You know, Im no stranger in your dreams
Im craving Im howling Im begging and pleading
Be mine tonight
Oh and Im waiting Im dying, Im wanting and needing
To show you a night
Where Ill be touching and holding caressing and giving you
Your every fantasy
Ill get you dreaming and lusting burning and praying
For more of this ecstasy.
Note to self:
I'll stop saying things now...
Though I can go on and on about this particular someone.
Keeping a person close to your heart is a risky thing to do... One well placed jab and you're dead.
But death is kinder than this. At least when you're dead, you dont feel anything else.
So tears dries... Wounds, they will heal over time... Not without a trace... Not without a scar...
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Just a Test...
I know I've been a bit lazy updating this blog... Lazy updating and totally ignoring until I consider delete this whole thing are two different things... That too have crossed my mind.
Decisions... Decisions... Decisions... Why do have things have to be yes or no? either or? This or that? Yeah, you think that's frustrating...
How bout MAYBE? That's worst than "You answer me... YES? or NO? and you answer me now" question.
it's a case of I'm not telling you, my feeling towards you. I maybe love you... I maybe playing you for a fool (That you are...)
Dammit...
What kind of people would ask someone they love "you do whatever you want to do... I'll do what I want to do... You can't force me to do anything... You can't stop me from doing anything... OK?"
Fine... Whatever... That sums up everything... It's a love-hate-love-hate thing...
We all have flaws... We try to make things better... Some of us just doesn't care... I need to go out and drive fast...
Maybe I'll get lucky tonight... No lucky isn't about sex... I'm way past that...
So it was all a test... Now you know the limit of my patience... Nothing else to break and mend... I failed the test. I'm sorry.
Heaven,
You say it could be heaven ...
But I don't really know ...
Lovers come and go ...
When hot gets a little cold.
Infatuation is just the great anticipation
Of starring in that picture show
Let's wait until the credits roll ...
When hot gets a little cold.
I could get carried away but not anymore ...
What was it I heard you say you love me 'cause I'm strong
I hope that you're not wrong.
Heaven, you say it could be heaven,
Well I don't really know ...
I'll try not to let it show
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...
It could've been one hell of a relationship.
The End.
Note to self: No matter where you run, if you're on the same island... You're bound to meet someone you dont feel like meeting...
After the incident... I dropped A to somewhere... Then i went back and thought of doing something crazy... I put on my clubbing baju (after all this years... it still fits perfectly) and drove all by myself to somewhere... I got one thing on my mind... To get wasted (although I know I'd never do it... I just drove because I know I'd change my mind as soon as I get there)
On the way, my "kawan-kawan dikala gembira je" (friends for fun only) called me... Wah... Like so many months, years even, suddenly they called? There's this super rich fella been asking me out since a few years back, when I say out, I mean out out... As in naik kapal terbang... go somewhere, do something...
Totally ain't me...
But tonight, I'm feeling vulnerable... Yeah right!
I guess when I'm in pain... I sent psychic messages and they'd recieved it loud and clear... And they asked me to go where I am actually was going... parked my car at the car park but didn't get out... On the second thought, I changed my baju clubbing ala2 ricky martin into shorts, singlet and jacket there and then in the car. Walked along the beach up and down dunno how many times until lenguh kaki ini melangkah... It was drizzling... Perfect... Just like Madonnas' The Power of Goodbye music video...
Called a friend that I haven't seen since he arrived to Malaysia, been 6 long months since I met him at the airport. Went for a late supper at Boom Boom Corner.
It's good to be around people who loves plants. We talk about lots of plants...
At least plants doesn't demand this and that other than water+sunlight+food+occasional pruning and trimming... But i didn;t mention that... Dopn't want people to know I am vulnerable at the moment...
Back to plants...
No complications.
No heartache.
Nothing.
Then it's time to say goodbye.
I stopped at the place where I wanted to go... Ok... It's a cheesy club called Enigma. I stopped by the road side and gave A a call- not picking up.
Tried again. Still no answer.
Then came a text message, it reads-
"m at enigma. text u later. "
The best thing to do now is to clear from the area... Kang terserempak kat situ tak ke panjang cerita... I backed up the car slowly I terus pecut kereta balik umah.
Moral of the story- there's no moral in this story. If you want to settle down with someone, no matter how they hurt you... You won't/can't/couldn't hurt them back. Love makes you go numb and dumb. I repeat... DUMB and NUMB.
I missed my cruel usual self... I missed punching people in the face... Breaking someones' jaw with my bare hands, drawing lines on someones' back with forks, poking needles into someones' toenails... Tie someone up and drip burnt rubber onto them.
Tonite, I'm gonna take 5 of those pink pills... Maybe I'll wake up feeling better later... It'll be good if I dont have to wake up at all. I mean what's the point of living, if you often feel dead anyway?
Decisions... Decisions... Decisions... Why do have things have to be yes or no? either or? This or that? Yeah, you think that's frustrating...
How bout MAYBE? That's worst than "You answer me... YES? or NO? and you answer me now" question.
it's a case of I'm not telling you, my feeling towards you. I maybe love you... I maybe playing you for a fool (That you are...)
Dammit...
What kind of people would ask someone they love "you do whatever you want to do... I'll do what I want to do... You can't force me to do anything... You can't stop me from doing anything... OK?"
Fine... Whatever... That sums up everything... It's a love-hate-love-hate thing...
We all have flaws... We try to make things better... Some of us just doesn't care... I need to go out and drive fast...
Maybe I'll get lucky tonight... No lucky isn't about sex... I'm way past that...
So it was all a test... Now you know the limit of my patience... Nothing else to break and mend... I failed the test. I'm sorry.
Heaven,
You say it could be heaven ...
But I don't really know ...
Lovers come and go ...
When hot gets a little cold.
Infatuation is just the great anticipation
Of starring in that picture show
Let's wait until the credits roll ...
When hot gets a little cold.
I could get carried away but not anymore ...
What was it I heard you say you love me 'cause I'm strong
I hope that you're not wrong.
Heaven, you say it could be heaven,
Well I don't really know ...
I'll try not to let it show
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...
When hot gets a little cold ...
It could've been one hell of a relationship.
The End.
Note to self: No matter where you run, if you're on the same island... You're bound to meet someone you dont feel like meeting...
After the incident... I dropped A to somewhere... Then i went back and thought of doing something crazy... I put on my clubbing baju (after all this years... it still fits perfectly) and drove all by myself to somewhere... I got one thing on my mind... To get wasted (although I know I'd never do it... I just drove because I know I'd change my mind as soon as I get there)
On the way, my "kawan-kawan dikala gembira je" (friends for fun only) called me... Wah... Like so many months, years even, suddenly they called? There's this super rich fella been asking me out since a few years back, when I say out, I mean out out... As in naik kapal terbang... go somewhere, do something...
Totally ain't me...
But tonight, I'm feeling vulnerable... Yeah right!
I guess when I'm in pain... I sent psychic messages and they'd recieved it loud and clear... And they asked me to go where I am actually was going... parked my car at the car park but didn't get out... On the second thought, I changed my baju clubbing ala2 ricky martin into shorts, singlet and jacket there and then in the car. Walked along the beach up and down dunno how many times until lenguh kaki ini melangkah... It was drizzling... Perfect... Just like Madonnas' The Power of Goodbye music video...
Called a friend that I haven't seen since he arrived to Malaysia, been 6 long months since I met him at the airport. Went for a late supper at Boom Boom Corner.
It's good to be around people who loves plants. We talk about lots of plants...
At least plants doesn't demand this and that other than water+sunlight+food+occasional pruning and trimming... But i didn;t mention that... Dopn't want people to know I am vulnerable at the moment...
Back to plants...
No complications.
No heartache.
Nothing.
Then it's time to say goodbye.
I stopped at the place where I wanted to go... Ok... It's a cheesy club called Enigma. I stopped by the road side and gave A a call- not picking up.
Tried again. Still no answer.
Then came a text message, it reads-
"m at enigma. text u later. "
The best thing to do now is to clear from the area... Kang terserempak kat situ tak ke panjang cerita... I backed up the car slowly I terus pecut kereta balik umah.
Moral of the story- there's no moral in this story. If you want to settle down with someone, no matter how they hurt you... You won't/can't/couldn't hurt them back. Love makes you go numb and dumb. I repeat... DUMB and NUMB.
I missed my cruel usual self... I missed punching people in the face... Breaking someones' jaw with my bare hands, drawing lines on someones' back with forks, poking needles into someones' toenails... Tie someone up and drip burnt rubber onto them.
Tonite, I'm gonna take 5 of those pink pills... Maybe I'll wake up feeling better later... It'll be good if I dont have to wake up at all. I mean what's the point of living, if you often feel dead anyway?
Hmmm...
My horoscope for August 17, 2007
If you've been having a long period of domestic bliss, it may be challenged today.
Your family or roommates are getting on your nerves, and there's only so much you can take before you lash out. It might be a good time to go for a long walk or find some other way to blow off steam.
My friends horoscope for August 17, 2007
You're starting a lot of new projects, but you must let someone else finish them.
Those hot ideas you are so well-known for are coming at a prodigious rate today. It's a good time to kick back and write them down, or send them off to others for implementation. You can snap into action some other time.
My horoscope for August 18, 2007
Your current indecisiveness is a temporary phase. You'll make your decision soon.
Though you may be feeling emotionally stable and secure despite the big events going on around you, now is not the time to make decisions. Leave them to others -- or, better yet, postpone them for a few days.
My friends horoscope for August 18, 2007
Take care of your health today -- both physical and emotional. Avoid conflicts.
It's a great day to really throw yourself into work or some kind of volunteering. Your way with people, already highly refined, is perfect for helping them figure out and meet their needs today.
Note to self:
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you're having is temporary...
This is temporary. No matter how wonderful it feels like...
"Temporary"
T.E.M.P.O.R.A.R.Y.
Tem-po-ra-ri Sebut betul2... Temporary...
Ada paham?
Hmmm... I want more.
If you've been having a long period of domestic bliss, it may be challenged today.
Your family or roommates are getting on your nerves, and there's only so much you can take before you lash out. It might be a good time to go for a long walk or find some other way to blow off steam.
My friends horoscope for August 17, 2007
You're starting a lot of new projects, but you must let someone else finish them.
Those hot ideas you are so well-known for are coming at a prodigious rate today. It's a good time to kick back and write them down, or send them off to others for implementation. You can snap into action some other time.
My horoscope for August 18, 2007
Your current indecisiveness is a temporary phase. You'll make your decision soon.
Though you may be feeling emotionally stable and secure despite the big events going on around you, now is not the time to make decisions. Leave them to others -- or, better yet, postpone them for a few days.
My friends horoscope for August 18, 2007
Take care of your health today -- both physical and emotional. Avoid conflicts.
It's a great day to really throw yourself into work or some kind of volunteering. Your way with people, already highly refined, is perfect for helping them figure out and meet their needs today.
Note to self:
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you're having is temporary...
This is temporary. No matter how wonderful it feels like...
"Temporary"
T.E.M.P.O.R.A.R.Y.
Tem-po-ra-ri Sebut betul2... Temporary...
Ada paham?
Hmmm... I want more.
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