What did I do today? Well, I woke up early, sat infront of the window looking out as it was raining. Then, I refelcted on my life, how it was back then and how I imagined it would be in the future. Did I say it was raining earlier today? I guess so, so after that brief reflection, I crawled back to bed but cannot sleep as this silent treatment towards someone is killing me. Literally. It gave me the "baddest" case of indigestion, throwing up liquid from both end ('cuse me... mouth and anus, mind you...)
After my obligatory breakfast of 2Cs (coffee and ciggies) I did 2 rounds of laundry and laid in bed. Too tired to do other stuffs, too frustrated to want to do anything anyway.
This thing on my mind, it's like a spiderweb, it's there, but it's not there but when you walk through it, it sticks everywhere. That's how I felt today. I cant remember the last time I cried but I remembered crying (yes, I know it's so unmanly to do it, but how else can you explain watery eyes? Ha?) before I fell asleep last night.
I remembered holding up my pillow and asking it- How much sadness do I have to take??? But that's before I realised how stupid it is and crawled out of bed and took 2 sleeping pills. I call it the celebrity syndrom.
Anyway, I think the heart is like a putty or plasticine wrapped in plastic. Make that 2 globs of plasticine, of different colors wrapped in a plastic bag. You squeeze both together until they're like one but they cant be one... Remember the plastic? They're whole, but not so. And then, you pry them apart... They'll be hollow somewhere.
It's like you think you're whole and complete and then you find someone that you fancy, you feel "wholer" and "completer" (if there's such term? Got ah?). And then suddenly that person was no longer there and you feel there's a hole inside you. Like cheese. yes, air buble holes. That was how I felt today. Hollow.
So I guess I was tired of it and I had to settle things and I did and I am oh so very extremely glad that I did.
And oh, today was the opening day for Starbucks at the Airport. Bought a lovely bouquet of white gerberras and those papery blue flowers and wild orchids. My favorite flowers in a cute little shallow glass container. I think they're sweet. Yes, blue is the favourite color of that certain somebody. Or so he said.
I'm still so not over by the loss of my hair. So if I keep my hair again... It'll be like in 2010 to get it to the length as it was. But what to do?
At least today I made truce with some one. Most importantly, I made truce with myself. Now for the next part... Maybe next month I'll be ready for it.
July 15, 2007
Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.
An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.
Note to self: Remember how you felt so bad today that it makes you sick? How many times you throw up today until you gave up and dragged that old plastic chair and sat infront of the toilet bowl?
Remember the tone of that certain somebody when they think you're about to disappointed them big time and the sparkle in their eyes when you unexpectedly changed your mind?
Remember how good it feels to make other people feel good?
And remember, if what you need or who you need, you can't have, maybe it's time for you to become that somebody yourself. People are like books. You can have them, read them, hate them, enjoy them but you'll never own them, you'll own the book but the words and the tales and the adventures they contain will never be yours.
Unless of course you wrote the book.
With so much things that had happened to me today, I wonder, maybe time doesn't exists equally for all of us. And time doesn't travel in a single straight line curved by us human in what we call clocks. It travels all around us... Side to side, going both up and down, all around us and even through us.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sharing is Caring, everybody shares... but who cares
My Horoscope for the past few days when my mind was in such a turmoil.
Huh? "Turmoil", such a big word describing something small containing so much chaos. Too much chaos.
The story starts like this-
July 04, 2007
Be prepared for your mind to wander, and you'll catch all the day's curveballs.
If a certain situation is over, then let it be over. Stop hitting replay in your memory. It's time to eject that disk and move onto something new. If nothing else, at least notice how many times you think about it today.
Note to self :
If you dont intend to finish something, dont ever start. Playful and innocent as it seems, it's nothing playful when it comes to the matter of hearts. It could be yours, it could be someone elses.
July 05, 2007
Your good energy will inspire others today -- but you need to communicate it
No matter how much you would like to, you can't chase away emotion with new sensation. You have to deal with your feelings in a more adult fashion. So no impulse eating, shopping or acting out, okay?
Note to self:
Never ask someone out on a date if you dont intend to date him or her in the future. It's not a date, it's a one night stand, minus the sex.
July 06, 2007
When you see a person from your past, your good memory will spark a conversation.
You were so absorbed that you didn't notice how much time had passed. Wow! How did that happen, and can you get it to happen again? You'll find out if you keep at this fascinating new hobby.
Note to self:
If you have to do a recap on what happened to someone about something that happened last year, or the year before, even if you have photographic memory, skip the details, other peoples' memory ain't as good as yours. They may say you're lying. Lying is bad.
July 07, 2007
Your emotions are going to be volatile today -- it's a great day to be by yourself.
You feel as if you have all the answers, and that's fine -- only someone else may not agree. Before you get into an argument, test your hypothesis. That way you'll have a leg to stand on.
Note to self:
If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself. You're not Madonna (the superstar)! Only she can say - "Everybody is entitled to my opinion..." Even from her it sounded childish, lame and stupid, but she's filthy rich. It's OK for rich people, educated or not, to be like that.
July 08, 2007
You'll have all the energy you need to socialize today, but you won't have the time.
Someone's a delightful addition to your life -- for right now. You're not shallow because you know certain relationships have an expiration date. Appreciate this person for what he or she is and don't try and make it into more.
Note to self:
Saying something is like a prayer, a wish. Saying something over and over is like a chant. Yeah... Seven Working Days... Fook It!
July 09, 2007
Your charm is stronger than ever -- use it to your advantage in a social situation.
A lush accent, an exotic setting -- all of those things can be very tempting, especially when it comes to your wallet. You, however, are smarter and shrewder than that. Think about it before you hand the money over.
Note to self:
Dont over use your so-called charm, it might get you into trouble. Some people maybe mistaken for your casual gentlemanliness as an act of flirtiness.
Maybe you should start carrying small signages that says "Casual", "Serious", "We're Just Friends", "I Like You So and So Only La", "I Really Like You", "I Dont Know You, But I'd Like To" etc.
July 10, 2007
Keep walking on the wild side a bit more today, and you'll see that it can pay off.
A little taste of stability makes you hungry for more. Being responsible doesn't mean you have to be boring. If anything, when you're accountable for your actions, you have more freedom to discover who you really are.
Note to self:
When people gives you advice, like for example todays' horoscope, they didn't expect you to go overboard with the being honest thingy. Like everything in life, overdoing something is never a good thing. doing something half-heartedly is not a good thing too. So whatever you do, do it in the right quantity. There's a certain right dose of everything. You'll learn as you live. Or is it you'll learn as you leave?
July 11, 2007
Listen to your internal voice, and don't be afraid to share what you're feeling.
Someone's fast-talking ways and impeccable style bowl you over. Go ahead and let yourself get swept away in the whirlwind, but keep one foot on the ground. Sooner or later, you'll want your own life back.
Note to self :
"Hi, how are you? Can I take your order, sir?" Is not flirting! Maybe there's something more on how people look at your etc. but that's just people being nice to you because it's your birthday. Enough said.
And dont ever do something radical because someone you like asks you to. He or she might not like you anymore after that.
July 12, 2007
If you want something done right today, you are going to have to do it yourself.
So this isn't exactly a love triangle, but lots of complicated connections are happening right now, to say the least. Try sitting with it for a while. You have to know what's going on before you know how to fix it.
Note to self:
Doing something yourself doesn't mean you can do it the right way. What you can ask other people to do, you ask 'em to do. It's called delegating things you Einstein! Applicable when you want some free time for yourself getting busy doing absolutely nothing.
Love triangle? Come on!you know it's a love triangle even before you see the signs. Maybe you're blind. Maybe you're dumb. Maybe you're blind and dumb and mentally retarded.
July 13, 2007
As soon as you wake up in the morning, you'll feel full of high energy -- use it!
You haven't done anything wrong, so why do you feel guilty? That is a puzzle. It's time to look at the cycles of your moods. Something triggers this kind of emotion and it's time to figure out what it is.
Note to self:
When you're full of energy, do something that will surely benefit your personal growth. A hard-on doesn't count as one unless you're 80 years old and having a hard time to get it hard.
July 14, 2007
New beginnings are not always effortless, but this relationship has much potential.
You're not really sure what all this means, but who says you have to have all the answers anyway? A little ambiguity is good for the soul -- it keeps you on your toes. You can handle whatever this is.
Note to self:
Yes, a new beginning doesn't always effortless, for example, the solar system began with a big bang (considering the scientific facts and what not). Then there's the cooling off period as the planets cool down, some stays hot and some cools down, some cool down so much that they freeze. Then Earth got hit by the imaginary Thea and the moon was formed and water vapors and then millions or billions of years later single celled organisms and the multi-cellular lifeforms and then we humans got smart and crawled out of trees and walk upright and invented cheesecakes and Starbucks.
July 15, 2007
Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.
An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.
Note to Self:
Considering how dangerous everything is nowdays, nothing is frightening. Stay home. Do laundry (you might risk electrocuted), stay in bed (there's a risk of stroke due to lethargic way of life), stay in with a friend (your friend might suddenly lose sanity and stab you to death, be serious, you dont have any friends to take home anyway.), sit infront of the computer and type nonsense (you'll cut oxygen supply to your tiny brain and die because of hunching infront of the computer for too long). Enough!
Huh? "Turmoil", such a big word describing something small containing so much chaos. Too much chaos.
The story starts like this-
July 04, 2007
Be prepared for your mind to wander, and you'll catch all the day's curveballs.
If a certain situation is over, then let it be over. Stop hitting replay in your memory. It's time to eject that disk and move onto something new. If nothing else, at least notice how many times you think about it today.
Note to self :
If you dont intend to finish something, dont ever start. Playful and innocent as it seems, it's nothing playful when it comes to the matter of hearts. It could be yours, it could be someone elses.
July 05, 2007
Your good energy will inspire others today -- but you need to communicate it
No matter how much you would like to, you can't chase away emotion with new sensation. You have to deal with your feelings in a more adult fashion. So no impulse eating, shopping or acting out, okay?
Note to self:
Never ask someone out on a date if you dont intend to date him or her in the future. It's not a date, it's a one night stand, minus the sex.
July 06, 2007
When you see a person from your past, your good memory will spark a conversation.
You were so absorbed that you didn't notice how much time had passed. Wow! How did that happen, and can you get it to happen again? You'll find out if you keep at this fascinating new hobby.
Note to self:
If you have to do a recap on what happened to someone about something that happened last year, or the year before, even if you have photographic memory, skip the details, other peoples' memory ain't as good as yours. They may say you're lying. Lying is bad.
July 07, 2007
Your emotions are going to be volatile today -- it's a great day to be by yourself.
You feel as if you have all the answers, and that's fine -- only someone else may not agree. Before you get into an argument, test your hypothesis. That way you'll have a leg to stand on.
Note to self:
If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself. You're not Madonna (the superstar)! Only she can say - "Everybody is entitled to my opinion..." Even from her it sounded childish, lame and stupid, but she's filthy rich. It's OK for rich people, educated or not, to be like that.
July 08, 2007
You'll have all the energy you need to socialize today, but you won't have the time.
Someone's a delightful addition to your life -- for right now. You're not shallow because you know certain relationships have an expiration date. Appreciate this person for what he or she is and don't try and make it into more.
Note to self:
Saying something is like a prayer, a wish. Saying something over and over is like a chant. Yeah... Seven Working Days... Fook It!
July 09, 2007
Your charm is stronger than ever -- use it to your advantage in a social situation.
A lush accent, an exotic setting -- all of those things can be very tempting, especially when it comes to your wallet. You, however, are smarter and shrewder than that. Think about it before you hand the money over.
Note to self:
Dont over use your so-called charm, it might get you into trouble. Some people maybe mistaken for your casual gentlemanliness as an act of flirtiness.
Maybe you should start carrying small signages that says "Casual", "Serious", "We're Just Friends", "I Like You So and So Only La", "I Really Like You", "I Dont Know You, But I'd Like To" etc.
July 10, 2007
Keep walking on the wild side a bit more today, and you'll see that it can pay off.
A little taste of stability makes you hungry for more. Being responsible doesn't mean you have to be boring. If anything, when you're accountable for your actions, you have more freedom to discover who you really are.
Note to self:
When people gives you advice, like for example todays' horoscope, they didn't expect you to go overboard with the being honest thingy. Like everything in life, overdoing something is never a good thing. doing something half-heartedly is not a good thing too. So whatever you do, do it in the right quantity. There's a certain right dose of everything. You'll learn as you live. Or is it you'll learn as you leave?
July 11, 2007
Listen to your internal voice, and don't be afraid to share what you're feeling.
Someone's fast-talking ways and impeccable style bowl you over. Go ahead and let yourself get swept away in the whirlwind, but keep one foot on the ground. Sooner or later, you'll want your own life back.
Note to self :
"Hi, how are you? Can I take your order, sir?" Is not flirting! Maybe there's something more on how people look at your etc. but that's just people being nice to you because it's your birthday. Enough said.
And dont ever do something radical because someone you like asks you to. He or she might not like you anymore after that.
July 12, 2007
If you want something done right today, you are going to have to do it yourself.
So this isn't exactly a love triangle, but lots of complicated connections are happening right now, to say the least. Try sitting with it for a while. You have to know what's going on before you know how to fix it.
Note to self:
Doing something yourself doesn't mean you can do it the right way. What you can ask other people to do, you ask 'em to do. It's called delegating things you Einstein! Applicable when you want some free time for yourself getting busy doing absolutely nothing.
Love triangle? Come on!you know it's a love triangle even before you see the signs. Maybe you're blind. Maybe you're dumb. Maybe you're blind and dumb and mentally retarded.
July 13, 2007
As soon as you wake up in the morning, you'll feel full of high energy -- use it!
You haven't done anything wrong, so why do you feel guilty? That is a puzzle. It's time to look at the cycles of your moods. Something triggers this kind of emotion and it's time to figure out what it is.
Note to self:
When you're full of energy, do something that will surely benefit your personal growth. A hard-on doesn't count as one unless you're 80 years old and having a hard time to get it hard.
July 14, 2007
New beginnings are not always effortless, but this relationship has much potential.
You're not really sure what all this means, but who says you have to have all the answers anyway? A little ambiguity is good for the soul -- it keeps you on your toes. You can handle whatever this is.
Note to self:
Yes, a new beginning doesn't always effortless, for example, the solar system began with a big bang (considering the scientific facts and what not). Then there's the cooling off period as the planets cool down, some stays hot and some cools down, some cool down so much that they freeze. Then Earth got hit by the imaginary Thea and the moon was formed and water vapors and then millions or billions of years later single celled organisms and the multi-cellular lifeforms and then we humans got smart and crawled out of trees and walk upright and invented cheesecakes and Starbucks.
July 15, 2007
Following your impulses is a very risky strategy today -- toss facts into the mix.
An awe-inspiring event makes you realize how little you understand your own potential. It's fascinating -- and a little scary, too. Now that you have an inkling of what you can do, it's time to find out more.
Note to Self:
Considering how dangerous everything is nowdays, nothing is frightening. Stay home. Do laundry (you might risk electrocuted), stay in bed (there's a risk of stroke due to lethargic way of life), stay in with a friend (your friend might suddenly lose sanity and stab you to death, be serious, you dont have any friends to take home anyway.), sit infront of the computer and type nonsense (you'll cut oxygen supply to your tiny brain and die because of hunching infront of the computer for too long). Enough!
Hitting the Bottom...
"Penitent"
Once I stood alone so proud
held myself above the crowd
now i am low on the ground.
From here i look around to see
what avenues belong to me
I can't tell what ive found.
Now what would You have me do
i ask you please?
I wait to hear.
The mother, and the matador,
the mystic, all were here before,
like me, to stare You down.
You appear without a face,
disappear, but leave your trace,
i feel your unseen frown.
Now what would you have me do
I ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word,
you say.
i wait to see your sign
would i
obey?
I look for you in heathered moor,
the desert, and the ocean floor
how low does one heart go.
looking for your fingerprints
i find them in coincidence,
and make my faith to grow.
Forgive me all my blindnesses
my weakness and unkindnesses
as yet unbending still.
struggling so hard to see
my fist against eternity
and will you break my will?
Now what would you have me do
i ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word
you say
i wait
to see your sign
could i
obey?
p/s: Never argue with an idiot, they're drag you down to your level and beat you with their experience.
Once I stood alone so proud
held myself above the crowd
now i am low on the ground.
From here i look around to see
what avenues belong to me
I can't tell what ive found.
Now what would You have me do
i ask you please?
I wait to hear.
The mother, and the matador,
the mystic, all were here before,
like me, to stare You down.
You appear without a face,
disappear, but leave your trace,
i feel your unseen frown.
Now what would you have me do
I ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word,
you say.
i wait to see your sign
would i
obey?
I look for you in heathered moor,
the desert, and the ocean floor
how low does one heart go.
looking for your fingerprints
i find them in coincidence,
and make my faith to grow.
Forgive me all my blindnesses
my weakness and unkindnesses
as yet unbending still.
struggling so hard to see
my fist against eternity
and will you break my will?
Now what would you have me do
i ask you please?
i wait to hear
your voice,
the word
you say
i wait
to see your sign
could i
obey?
p/s: Never argue with an idiot, they're drag you down to your level and beat you with their experience.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Finally... A Nightmare Came True...
That's me with Ms. Mirinda @ Starbucks, she's looking like Janet Jackson and I'm looking like Marc Mcgrath of Sugar Ray. I've cut my hair that I've been keeping for almost 3 years. A few weeks short of 3 very long years.
Well, the real reason is because... I'm not telling.
Well anyway, the not so real reason is the work place received a circular about workers not being allowed to keep their hair long.
After I did the jump... I remembered waking up sweating and breathing heavily from a dream I had a few weeks back. Macy Gray was snipping away at my hair while commenting on my bad taste in color and style with her raspy voice. Well Macy Gray got her wish.
WTF. Should've said no to work and kept my hair. I'm gonna regret this more than 7 working days.
I could be in Sarawak or somewhere, enjoying myself, meeting new friends, job-hunting, just have a fresh start and forget about Langkawi, with my hair tied up, of course. Maybe staying here is making me soft.
There's a theory I read somewhere, birds that can fly, when they reach an isolated island will lost their ability to fly after some time. Living in isolation, absence of predator- there's no need to flee.
Maybe it's time to regrow my wings and fly away.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
It's My Party, I Can Cry If I Want To, I Cut My Hair Instead.
It's my birthday today. I hate my own birthdays.
I know it's a reason to be happy. To celebrate. To be with friends (amazingly, tonight, I did just that)
But the funny thing is, as usual, I dont feel happy. I know I should be. I guess being alive, no, having the chance to live another year is a blessing. Some of my friends doesn't have the chance. I guess it's about time to leave the dead for the dead and cherish the friends that I still have. Living, breathing friends who are happy to be with me because I am me. But who am I exactly? After 28 years, I dont know. It could be this, or it could be that. I'm not sure.
Someone asked me what's my wish for this year... Though I didn't answer him, I wish everyone I know and who knows me to be happy. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. As for myself, I would like to know the meaning of this life. The things I did, said and all the things I shouldn't have said and done, the things that I should've said and done.
Such a life, but it's all I could offer to my God if it ends any time soon.
So another meaningless year passed by and suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, while my friends were singing the happy birthday song for me, I was struck from above and below, side to side and front to back, by everything that had happened to me, last year. All the experiences, all the feelings, the good deeds and the bad. All at once. It's like being trapped between a rock and a very hard surface.
So they say age is just numbers. True, but they can change your way of thinking in a profound way.
So I sat there while they sang, while covering my face with my hat, I was screaming with a voice that no one hears and a broken spirit.
Maybe I'll be here again next year. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out- that is to continue living.
Yes, I tend to drift. So back to the question that the guy asked me- what is my wish for this year? Well, I dont know what will happen for this year, maybe I'll still be here, maybe I wont. So at this very moment, I want to be my biggest fan. I want to live how people around me assumes how I live. I want to be everything like me and more.
So Happy birthday Lisham- for someone who doesn't really exists, you're doing OK.
I know it's a reason to be happy. To celebrate. To be with friends (amazingly, tonight, I did just that)
But the funny thing is, as usual, I dont feel happy. I know I should be. I guess being alive, no, having the chance to live another year is a blessing. Some of my friends doesn't have the chance. I guess it's about time to leave the dead for the dead and cherish the friends that I still have. Living, breathing friends who are happy to be with me because I am me. But who am I exactly? After 28 years, I dont know. It could be this, or it could be that. I'm not sure.
Someone asked me what's my wish for this year... Though I didn't answer him, I wish everyone I know and who knows me to be happy. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. As for myself, I would like to know the meaning of this life. The things I did, said and all the things I shouldn't have said and done, the things that I should've said and done.
Such a life, but it's all I could offer to my God if it ends any time soon.
So another meaningless year passed by and suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, while my friends were singing the happy birthday song for me, I was struck from above and below, side to side and front to back, by everything that had happened to me, last year. All the experiences, all the feelings, the good deeds and the bad. All at once. It's like being trapped between a rock and a very hard surface.
So they say age is just numbers. True, but they can change your way of thinking in a profound way.
So I sat there while they sang, while covering my face with my hat, I was screaming with a voice that no one hears and a broken spirit.
Maybe I'll be here again next year. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out- that is to continue living.
Yes, I tend to drift. So back to the question that the guy asked me- what is my wish for this year? Well, I dont know what will happen for this year, maybe I'll still be here, maybe I wont. So at this very moment, I want to be my biggest fan. I want to live how people around me assumes how I live. I want to be everything like me and more.
So Happy birthday Lisham- for someone who doesn't really exists, you're doing OK.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
N. Gracilis kot... Or It Could be N. x Ventrata
1. Picher Close-up 
2. Another Pitcher Close-up
3. Comparisson of the whole Plant with N. x ventrata
4. Size Comparisson with a plastic chair.
N. Mirabilis ke ni?
I saved these (got 3 pots for RM30- that's RM10 each, plus another 2 n. x ventrata for a total of RM60. I kinda sorta rescued them from the auntie nursery owner as she cannot care for them... Got ulat munching the leaves, more dried leaves than green ones when I got them...
As you can see, the leaves got sopak-sopak merah (red speckles la) on the leaves exposed to Langkawi sun.
It's abit different from my N. mirabilis from Padang Serai.
Anybody can positively ID these as n. mirabilis?
Anybody can positively ID these as n. mirabilis?
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