SUICIDE MANUAL FOR THE PERFECTIONIST
First attempts at suicide are often dismal failures.
Usually the result ofpoor planning and/orlack of conviction, and likely to discourage even the most stout-hearted.
Those who sustain defeat in this area rarely recover the self-confidence to try again.
Therefore, to insure a reliable measure of successit is suggested that, first, you exhaust all possible alternatives. Then, if still convinced that it is pointless to go on, proceed as follows:
Put house in order and pay all bills. Nothing engenders guilt in survivors so well as this last act of altruism. You would do well in fact to provide a week's supply of food for your bereaved.
Frozen dinners and instant breakfasts are excellent in emergencies of this kind.
Next, destroy all love letters, rejection slips, and bad poems. Obviously. Hide all unpublished material where, in due time, it should be easily discovered.
You will be aiding not only the cause of your posterity, but that of aspiring Ph.D.’s looking to discover some relatively obscure poet of the last century.
Now, take a shower.
Deodorant though not essential is nice as a final touch.
Lock all doors, deaden doorbells and unhook phone. Interruptions at this time are highly inadvisable.
If inclined to notes write one. Remember, however, that suicide notes do not lend themselves to future revisions, and the chances for error are great. The hackneyed and trite are common pitfalls.
A final word about methods.
If going by pills, be sure to leave empty bottle at bedside to establish cause of death. Post mortems are messy and undignified.
If going by gas leave fire warnings for cigarette smokers.
Other methods such as jumping into tracks or off buildings are not dealt with here as they are usually the result of impulse and emotionalism, and therefore not likely to appeal to readers of this manual.
Moreover, such meansare not only sloppy and melodramatic, but generally in total disregard of the public interest.
You are now ready to go; be assured that you will have no regrets.
First attempts at suicide are often dismal failures.
Usually the result ofpoor planning and/orlack of conviction, and likely to discourage even the most stout-hearted.
Those who sustain defeat in this area rarely recover the self-confidence to try again.
Therefore, to insure a reliable measure of successit is suggested that, first, you exhaust all possible alternatives. Then, if still convinced that it is pointless to go on, proceed as follows:
Put house in order and pay all bills. Nothing engenders guilt in survivors so well as this last act of altruism. You would do well in fact to provide a week's supply of food for your bereaved.
Frozen dinners and instant breakfasts are excellent in emergencies of this kind.
Next, destroy all love letters, rejection slips, and bad poems. Obviously. Hide all unpublished material where, in due time, it should be easily discovered.
You will be aiding not only the cause of your posterity, but that of aspiring Ph.D.’s looking to discover some relatively obscure poet of the last century.
Now, take a shower.
Deodorant though not essential is nice as a final touch.
Lock all doors, deaden doorbells and unhook phone. Interruptions at this time are highly inadvisable.
If inclined to notes write one. Remember, however, that suicide notes do not lend themselves to future revisions, and the chances for error are great. The hackneyed and trite are common pitfalls.
A final word about methods.
If going by pills, be sure to leave empty bottle at bedside to establish cause of death. Post mortems are messy and undignified.
If going by gas leave fire warnings for cigarette smokers.
Other methods such as jumping into tracks or off buildings are not dealt with here as they are usually the result of impulse and emotionalism, and therefore not likely to appeal to readers of this manual.
Moreover, such meansare not only sloppy and melodramatic, but generally in total disregard of the public interest.
You are now ready to go; be assured that you will have no regrets.
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