2 Times Opps on the Bed.

Remember earlier this morning when I clear my tummy? It seemed that my tummy continues to clear itself and I had to poop on the towel that covered my bed twice.

I took morphine in hope to stop the heavy diarrhoea.

Here's hoping for the best tomorrow as I have my chemo session in the morning. 

Must remember to bring extra pants. 

Amazing Thing Just Happened

You know how I woke up with a weird feeling in my tummy? As I was walking to the toilet (big steps, I was trying to avoid that faint feeling and to avoid soiling myself) I totally forgot that underneath my shirt/pants, I had my biggest metal meteorite (almost 600 grams, with well-defined edges) it dropped squarely just after the nail of my left big toe and the first joint.

I am pretty sure I'll have to some some pain later, but I don't.

My theory... Leklai magic. 

Small Things That We Take for Granted

I woke up with a weird feeling in my tummy.

It was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. So I lay there in my bed, just Tring to understand what is happening. 

Then I took a guess, dragged myself to the toilet and had the best poop ever.

I sat there, paying extra attention to my breathing for almost 10 minutes. 

It feels like I had emptied the left side, right side, middle side, top side (gas) and the back side of my tummy.

I know this might sound silly, but I am suffering from the effect of Morphine and it's very hard for me to go to the toilet, sometimes for days. 

It Finally Got to Me

I broke down to tears just now when the nurses were asking if I have anybody to accompany me to the hospital due to my condition. I don't have anyone. So I teared up while getting my blood sample taken and I had to go and sit in the toilet, because the tears refused to stop.

I hate this! 

I Feel Very Tired

Imagine walking from your room to the bathroom and back and immediately needing to lie down because you feel very tired. That's what happened to me since yesterday.

I am at the day care ward.

Woke up early but stayed in bed. Tried to shower but I can't stand the cold so I brushed my teeth and washed my face. 

I gathered what I wanted to wear for today and walked back to my room. Had to lie down because I was unbelievably tired. 

I got a grab, arrived at PPUM, got down and had to sit to catch my breath.

Then I went down to the clinic and registered myself. I can't even reach my favourite seat. So I sat there uncomfortably waiting for my name to be called. 

Walking from the chair to the counter was really tiring. I asked for my sick slip, the nice lady at the counter asked me to go get from the nurse. I explained to her my situation and she was nice enough to go and get it.

Then I proceeded to the second floor. I am lucky to get a padded seat, but it's a middle seat so I had to slant towards my right. I explained to the Chinese uncle next to me. He's alright.

Then I felt it. A sharp stabbing pain. I forgot that I didn't go to the loo before getting ready to come here. 

It felt like a mace with sharp hooks being pushed from the inside of my stomach. It was PAINFUL. 

I had to take my morphine.

I waited for a whole before deciding to go to the toilet. So I grabbed some tissue from the bag, pads and slowly walked towards the toilet which is on the far end of the building. 

It was a tedious process of taking clothes off, rest, hanging them, rest, well you got the picture. After struggling, a loud pop and the pain disappeared. It was gas.

I just got to learn that I can't do chemo today because I needed to get my my taken, which the doctor said, no need. 

So I have to go down and get my blood taken and come back on Monday. 

Life is frustrating like that. 

Sad

I woke up suddenly today.

The new chemo approach (Blood Check on Thursday, Chemo on the first Friday, rest for 1 week, then Chemo on the second Friday) made me weak. I don't feel much pain but I have no appetite and my mind is foggy due to sleeping too much. I hope tomorrow's chemo, both the registration and the medication process won't be as bad. 

As I was saying, I woke up suddenly, the same time Anna messaged me. I am no longer handling Face to Face. I am actually looking forward to go back to the office and work. My only motivation in life is work. I don't want to slowly die, doing nothing at home. 

Monster in my tummy!

I've been on Morphine for almost a month now. I like how it just dull the pain. It's like a switch to turn off the pain. It can help with the sharp wound pain, body aches however, I find that morphine doesn't work for pain involving swelling. That one I'll have to turn to my trusted Ibuprofen. These however comes in annoyingly bright fuchsia pink color. I prefer my meds to be white or whitish.

Back to the morphine story. I was told that it will cause constipation, so to counter it, I must take a laxative solution. Little did I know that my life turned into a vicious cycle of being painfully constipated and having an uncontrolable diarrhea. I will have a few day if not going to the toilet before feeling that I need to go to the toilet but I can't. I just can't.

Then suddenly all the daily laxative doses will decide that finally they will work all at one... So 'Shitty, shitty, bang! Bang!" 

The other day, I was lucky that the diarrhea attack happened on my off day. Today I am not so lucky.

The pain. The panic. the anxiety. It's getting worse.

Panic.the