Rest, Recover, Get Better.

I've been "resting" at home for months now.

For me, it's like wasting time. I have so many things to do. But, now I will have to obey my body. That's my vehicle for now. 

What's new? Last time I was warded, Adek died. 

Today, Buntet followed. 

6th October will always be a confusing day for me. It marks the fourth year that I lost my father.

Today is a painful day for me. Emotionally and physically. You see, I was prescribed Morphine Syrup to manage my pain. The syrup did not agree with me, so I stopped taking them. 

I distracted my mind from the cancer pain, which feels like something hard and covered with sharp spikes trying to push itself out from your anus, while all the time, it feels like someone is slowly and deliberately slicing at your intestine.

Energy-wise I am functional when I lie down. Moving about to turn will tire me. I can stand-up, using a rollator to go to the kitchen/bathroom but this takes up too much of my energy. 

I was told that this is the effect from my second round of Chemo (palliative care, day 1 and day 8 of the month, subject to Drs' clearance). It should be gone by now. 

I have my eyebrow, moustache and beard growing back. The nerve damage on hands and feet is slowly getting less painful. 

This shows that my body is recovering from the chemotherapy and I will be starting another around of chemo this Thursday. 

I still have a weak heart. Low energy. Dangerously low BP and unusually high heart rate. So I can't walk more than 5 steps, before feeling extremely tired. 

It is what it is. 

I am going to miss my Abah. I look forward to see him again soon. 

P/S: Have you ever wondered what happens to your body when you're dying? I googled it. I regretted it. I am experiencing all of it. Read here. 

List of ailments :

 1. Sharp stabbing stomach pain

 2. Hand and feet Nerve damage

 3. Low energy, low BP, high heart rate 

 4. Hard to pass stool, green/milky discharge

 5. Very dirty urine followed by milky substance which can be bloody at times

 6. No appetite 

 7. Painful stomach gas

 8. Skin on legs are flaking off like dandruff 

My Dream

I was never the main main character in my story.

I may seems selfish, childish, impatient and annoying to my friends. But if you can see that part of me, that means we are close. That means I am confortable with you. I've let you in.

In my dream. I'd fall in love with someone with noble blood. I'd be the strong wise man behind the wise prince. 

We'd be close, but we'd our own social obligations to fulfill. But we will always come back to each other. 

We'll have our ups and downs. We'll scream at one another, throw stuff at one another. Go on a secret holiday. Candlelight dinners, long flights, visit art  museums and marvel at the dinosaur bones at the museum of Natural History.

I'd cook your favourite dish and will be bitter if you don't do the dish. But we'll always make up. We always do. 

Your pets will hate me and mine will love you... Those traitors! 🙂 But I don't mind, because the animals know that you're nice. 

We will go out for events and then when it's all quiet, we'll slip quietly together to enjoy the full moon on the dock...

That’s my dream. 

It's almost time for me to wake up. 

My time is almost up. I am still waiting for my prince.

Chemo vs. Cancer

I feel OK. No more tiredness. No more shortness of breath. I just feel lazy.

Yesterday I dress up at the office...

I looked "goodeh"... 

Just came back from my "first part of my 6th" cycle of chemo. The Dr. is as confused as me when it comes to how many times I have been "chemoed" and we agreed on the 6th cyclfor this time. Yesterday's chemo was nice

 I slept like a baby for 7 hours during chemo. 

I had a dream tho. I was chasing someone by the sea... Just me chasing him slowly, ... And him - brisk-walking. The sound of the wave. For almost 7 hours. 

Then in my dream I feel like I needed to pee, so bad. 

So I stopped chasing him... And sloy walked to my hotel to pee. So that was my dream.

I was rubbing my feet... Then another one of my toenail just flipped over and came right off. The weird things is... I don't feel any pain. This is my 6th toenail that bailed on me. 

I guess the formula is simple... Chemo vs. Cancer = less toe nail.